Nightmares

Infertility and loss do some things to you.  Now I have believed from the get go that this pregnancy would last, but that hasn't stopped the part of my mind that developes what-if scenarios.  At about 14 weeks I started having nightmares, some reoccurring and other new.  I thought these went away and I think the old ones have for now, but I was jolted awake with a new nightmare this weekend.

The Old nightmares:
I would have a dream that I started bleeding and that we would rush to the ER only to find our little one was gone.  By this point I would wake up and feel my abdomen and realize that for the most part everything was fine, but I would still stress just slightly when going to the bathroom afraid that I would see what I feared most.

My other nightmare consisted of me bleeding and the baby being alright, but that they were worried I wouldn't even make it to viability.

The nightmares stopped when I got to viability, but then I would have others where I would have a stillbirth.  Those stopped about 3 weeks ago and my sleep has been peaceful.

Then last weekend came.  My sister and I have somewhat of a rough relationship and so I think this is what dredged all this up.  The dream had me letting my sister watch my son, I was pregnant again, but I had to work.  When I got home she and my little boy were gone.  At first this wasn't worrisome, but then I couldn't get a hold of her.  Apparently in my dream months pass and I finally discover where my sister is and that she has given my son to the same people that have her daughter.  So I go hoping that I can end this amicably and that they will give me my son back, but the women refuses saying that I am a bad mom that only wants my baby when it is convenient for me.  I am appalled as this was never the case.  I produce a police report and inform her that the police are on their way.  When they get there I end up with both my son and my niece and the woman and my sister both go to jail.

This dream caught me by surprise.  I don't think something like this will ever happen mostly because I would never leave my son in my sister's care, but I just can't imagine what it must feel like for a parent to lose any amount of time with their child.

I feel wounds that infertility have left on me everyday.  I remind myself constantly when talking to others that this may be my only child and that scares me a little.  Time is going by too fast and I don't feel that I am properly enjoying it, but some days I am just too tired.

Anyways, I wanted to leave 2 pieces of advice.  This one is to the pregnant or now parenting infertiles and you probably already know this: But try try try to enjoy everything about this process.
And then to my friend out there that are still trying:  I hope when you get there you can take in everything the experience has to offer.  I know the journey is exhausting, but it will be totally worth it.

I hope all my friends out there that are currently trying get their BFP's and then get their babies, because the BFP kinda sucks without a LO to cuddle at the end of it all.

Sorry if this is kinda long, but I felt the need to write about this.

Until Next Time,

Olivia